Relentless

It’s Sunday morning just past 9am and there’s blue sky outside, birds chirping and warm sunlight streaming in the window. In many ways it’s a perfect morning, ideal for heading out for a walk or going for a ride on my motorcycle, except I can’t.

After just 5 or 6 days of improved gout type pains it has returned to previous levels. Friday I noticed a few niggles but forced myself to go to an astronomy event about an hour away because I wanted to meet the speaker. Matt Taylor works on the Rosetta Mission for the European Space Agency and I’d bounced a few messages with him in the past. So I struggled over there and held out for the evening managing a good chat with Matt after his informative presentation.

I got home late and I was already feeling the soreness in my toe. I woke up yesterday and I knew things were going downhill again. As the day progressed my toe became stiffer and I could feel the heat again.  By evening I was in a lot if discomfort and feeling pretty down knowing I’ve nothing I can treat it with. My mental state deteriorated pretty quickly as I realised I’d be off my feet and immobile again after just 1 weeks improvement in almost 2 months.

After a rough night I’m sat here looking out the window wishing my life wasn’t like this. I’m tired of the repeating cycle of illness with only few days where I feel up to doing much. It’s almost a year since I took Ciprofloxacin and 5 months since my ADRS really kicked in after a single ibuprofen tablet. In the last 5 months I’ve been largely housebound with the odd trip out which usually I pay for later.

I feel like I’ve lost my life, like I’m not improving just steadily heading downward as my body fights but fails to repair the damage. I can’t see a happy ending ahead and this is making me pretty sad. Last night I missed my girls gig with her band, I hate not being there for her but I felt pretty unwell. I stayed home but just went into an  unhappy place in my head. Will this ever get better? Will I get anything of my life back? I hope so because if my life doesn’t improve in time I have to question the point of it.

I hate that my Ill health impacts everyone and everything else. We can’t plan anything because I can’t predict how I’ll be. I struggle to enjoy anything because my mind is always preoccupied with anxieties and stress. I feel enormous guilt that it’s not just my life being screwed up. How much more can I take? Can everyone else take? This isn’t how my life was supposed to be 😦