Relentless

It’s Sunday morning just past 9am and there’s blue sky outside, birds chirping and warm sunlight streaming in the window. In many ways it’s a perfect morning, ideal for heading out for a walk or going for a ride on my motorcycle, except I can’t.

After just 5 or 6 days of improved gout type pains it has returned to previous levels. Friday I noticed a few niggles but forced myself to go to an astronomy event about an hour away because I wanted to meet the speaker. Matt Taylor works on the Rosetta Mission for the European Space Agency and I’d bounced a few messages with him in the past. So I struggled over there and held out for the evening managing a good chat with Matt after his informative presentation.

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I got home late and I was already feeling the soreness in my toe. I woke up yesterday and I knew things were going downhill again. As the day progressed my toe became stiffer and I could feel the heat again.  By evening I was in a lot if discomfort and feeling pretty down knowing I’ve nothing I can treat it with. My mental state deteriorated pretty quickly as I realised I’d be off my feet and immobile again after just 1 weeks improvement in almost 2 months.

After a rough night I’m sat here looking out the window wishing my life wasn’t like this. I’m tired of the repeating cycle of illness with only few days where I feel up to doing much. It’s almost a year since I took Ciprofloxacin and 5 months since my ADRS really kicked in after a single ibuprofen tablet. In the last 5 months I’ve been largely housebound with the odd trip out which usually I pay for later.

I feel like I’ve lost my life, like I’m not improving just steadily heading downward as my body fights but fails to repair the damage. I can’t see a happy ending ahead and this is making me pretty sad. Last night I missed my girls gig with her band, I hate not being there for her but I felt pretty unwell. I stayed home but just went into an  unhappy place in my head. Will this ever get better? Will I get anything of my life back? I hope so because if my life doesn’t improve in time I have to question the point of it.

I hate that my Ill health impacts everyone and everything else. We can’t plan anything because I can’t predict how I’ll be. I struggle to enjoy anything because my mind is always preoccupied with anxieties and stress. I feel enormous guilt that it’s not just my life being screwed up. How much more can I take? Can everyone else take? This isn’t how my life was supposed to be 😦

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4 thoughts on “Relentless

  1. I’m so sorry, Chris! Please try not to beat yourself up over what you cannot do right now. It’s not permanent. Hang in there. Hugs to you, all the other floxies, and all the loved ones who struggle with this too!

  2. Chris – we will all support you as much as we can, if there was anything we could do for you, trust me, we would. You know where we are – just shout, if you need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or even a hug – we’re there !

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