A new year, new hope?

OK, so I managed to document my 2016 summary and now I can get to this year so far. I was sat thinking this morning how it’s now exactly 4 years since I started having health problems and since I had the first UTI that led to 18 months of being sent from pillar to post with no direction. 14 courses of various penicillin based antibiotics clearly destroyed the good bacteria in my body and weakened my immune system so that when that final sledge hammer called Ciprofloxacin was unleashed there was nothing to counter the cell damage it would inflict. 4 long years of re-occurring problems with the last 21 months or so being a nightmare post Ciprofloxacin.

When I found Floxiehope early last year it at least gave me some hope that I could hopefully in time recover but it’s proving to be a struggle far greater than I imagined. By now, on my way to 2 years out from taking Cipro, I had hoped to be largely better, had expected that my mobility would be a long way back to normal, that my eyesight might be improving, that my mood might be improved and the memory of this would be just that, a memory. But that’s not the case, the progress is slow with a recovery seeming no nearer in many ways. I’ve had some stressful things to deal with already this year with the loss of our cat, job stresses, world stresses, life stresses and sadly the loss of my partners grandmother the week before last. I know that stress is a major factor in the speed at which your body heals so I understand I’m not dealing with the optimal recovery situation but who is?

Me and Luna, taken just before Christmas, weeks before we said goodbye.

I’ve had a few flare ups of floxing symptoms since January and they’ve been pretty bad with some of the most painful and worrying knee and muscle issues I’ve had. It concerns me greatly that no one seems to be able to tell me what is going on, lots of ideas but no evidence. Yes some of my tests have ruled out certain conditions, some haven’t leaving certain conditions a possibility and some have shown some damage or issues but in all those cases there’s still no treatment or way forward other than being told that in time hopefully things will improve. Having pulled my back 3 times since August, twice in the last 3 months I at least now know that I have 3 bulging discs but no idea why. Of course being that I’m a motorcyclist, like kayaking, want to sail and scuba more and have a bunch of things that all required an undamaged back the uncertainty about how my back will heal or not just adds yet more worry.

So does 2017 offer hope? Well hope is all I do have since there’s no guarantee of significant improvement. I try to hold on to the thought that I’ll be able to do the things I once did, that keeps me going. I hold on to the fact I have a lifetime of memories to make with my partner Caroline which so far has been restricted by my health and life in general. I’m 47, not young anymore but not old either and I should in this day and age be thinking that there’s possible 30 or 40 years ahead of me to live life, explore, enjoy and do those things I never did when I was younger. But instead I find myself struggling through each day, dealing with the plethora of pains, twinges and weakness that seem to randomly take hold. Mentally I’m struggling… I have found myself thinking more about the end of my life, feeling anxious that the medicine I’ve taken may have reduced the time I have left. I’m feeling a mixture of anger and sadness about where I find myself now, how my health has been ripped from me ruining the life that was planned and it need not have happened if I’d made different decisions. 

Today I’ve not felt myself at all with reoccurring tightness across my chest, pain in my elbow, weakness and shaking in my right leg, burning and aching in my back, tight and sore shoulders and shoulder blades… the list goes on. I’ve felt my anxiety increase as thoughts about what might be going on with my major organs have popped into my head, thoughts about why my muscles and joints are still becoming weaker even after all this time. I try to stay as active as I can but it’s a fine balance between doing stuff and over doing stuff and suffering the consequences. Fatigue seems to grab me often at the moment with a sudden feeling that I need sleep or have no energy. A fog descends over my thoughts making it hard to concentrate on tasks and my memory sometimes seems to suffer as well now causing me to panic a bit when I can’t remember things I’ve known for years. I know anxiety plays a part in this but it’s not the whole story and the Ciprofloxacin has taken its toll in making this worse as well.

There’s no doubt my mind is too preoccupied with worry and stress to simply relax and enjoy anything most of the time. I rarely laugh anymore and I struggle to feel upbeat and positive about anything, I hate feeling this way. I hope this year turns some this around and in the coming months I start to feel better not worse, leading to a more positive outlook and the happiness that I desperately need.