Angry, Sad, Depressed, Lost.. all of the above

Right about now I should be preparing to leave for a motorcycle trip to the Netherlands with a few friends. I should be feeling that buzz of excitement as I pack the panniers on my motorcycle and sort out my biking gear ready to leave. Instead I’m hobbling around my house, barely able to walk 15 minutes let alone manage 8 hours on a motorcycle and yes that makes me very pretty unhappy.

My life, the one I had planned on enjoying with my girl, the dreams I had made, the stuff I wanted to do, places I wanted to visit, the future, well it just feels like it’s over. I should be looking at my life right now thinking right, I’m only half way through this, still got a lot of years ahead to do things that you want, so get on with them. But I can’t because nearly everything relies on you having your health, having the ability to do physical activity and right now at least, I can’t. My head isn’t in a good place most days as struggle to stay positive and motivated although I know that it’s important to keep level headed. I just want life to give me a break for once, let me enjoy what future I have with my loved ones instead of constantly throwing up new hurdles and barriers for me to try to deal with.

I look back on my life and I sometimes wonder how I’ve made it this far with all the things I’ve had to deal with. I envy people who have those perfect lives, with a close knit family to support them, a big bunch of friends, a well paid and steady job and a perfect house. People who have never had to deal with watching people they love become sick and die, never had to deal with a friend taking their own life because it seemed preferable to living, never had to deal with their own illnesses changing their lives for the worse with no idea what the future holds. Yes I feel like life has been pretty unfair so far.

I struggled through last week, my muscles and tendons have been pretty sore and tight and  I’ve just not been feeling “well”. I’ve been getting the odd palpitations and weird fluttery sensations which may be related to the side effects or just anxiety I don’t know. My routine has gone out of the window at the moment which isn’t helping so I’m not eating at regular times nor eating enough of the right stuff. I’m not convinced my supplement regime is right so I’ve been trying to research what’s best to get and try out and that is a minefield it seems with so many variations on each type of mineral or vitamin.

I feel tired physically and mentally most of the time, the constant aches and pains which have been with me now every day for the last 3 plus months are wearing me down. I feel old, I feel… lost. I force myself to try to do things, get out and get some fresh air, go for a walk, grab a drink somewhere but it’s a struggle. The frustration I feel at not being “myself” anymore knocks me back emotionally and this is particularly bad when I try to do things and my body simply can’t do it. This morning I tried to walk up the stairs quickly, tried to do 2 steps at once which only 4 months ago I would have run up but my thigh muscles just gave up after 1 step, felt like they wanted to cramp immediately and I couldn’t do it. My tendons in my ankle and left calf muscle just tightened and became sore and I had to limp up the rest of the stairs to the top.

Before Christmas I had plans to train to do a half marathon this year! Not that I was in any shape to do that then but that was the point, I had realised already that I needed to get fit to prolong my life and make the future as healthy as possible, then I got thrown this curve ball and that idea has gone out of the window. Now I’m fighting just to be able to walk a decent distance and live a very simple life let alone do all the other things I had wanted to do.

Most days I sit and I look at my now wrinkled hands, at the wrinkles up my arms and the ridges on my nails. I pinch the skin and I’m saddened by how thin the skin feels, how much elasticity has been lost in it, how it now looks 20 years older than it did 4 months ago and there’s nothing I can do to reverse that, it’s just a reminder that I’m not the man I was just a few months ago.

Anyway, today I’m going to start taking CoQ10 and I’ll see if it makes any difference. I’m also going to order some decent probiotics and different magnesium supplement as I’m not convinced the magnesium I have now is the best. I need to write down a weekly plan, what I’m planning on eating, what tablets to take etc.. and get into a routine. Maybe swimming will help my muscles, it’s low impact and I’ve seen a few people mention it.

One day at a time…

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