A tough day

I’ve struggled through today, it’s just been difficult. My symptoms have been slightly raised but not drastically so. I have had a new one, my teeth have been uncomfortable, like they’re a bit numb.

My mental state has been low today and I’ve felt edgy and detached from the world. I have moments most days where I feel low but today it’s been all day. I’ve tried to cheer up, I tried listening to music but it just bothered me. I tried reading but I didn’t take anything in. Maybe it’s depression I don’t know. The feeling of hopelessness and lack of control has dug it’s claws into my head. The development of a new symptom when I hoped I’d had my fill of them has taken me back a notch.

The weather has been pretty dire today, grey skies, rain, sleet and cold. None if which raises my mood much. I never saw myself at 46 suddenly losing my health and not because of an illness. I can’t begin to describe the pain and sadness in my head right now, devastated doesn’t do it justice.

I feel like I’m floating in a life raft after escaping a sinking ship. Bobbing up and down on the waves, miles from land, no radio, no food or water. Every minute hoping I’ll be rescued or wake up from a terrible nightmare. That’s what this is, the worst nightmare of my life repeating day after day.

When will this end? How will this end? I just want my old life back.

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